*sigh*

I can't remember the last time I got to wear either the collar or the leash. I don't know why Lee hasn't wanted to play in so long. It's not that we haven't been having sex, we most certainly have, lots; almost every day. The sex is great, and I love being with him, but am wondering what happened.
I am by nature pretty insecure. I will admit to that readily. One of the reasons I like being in a dom/sub relationship is the extra attention and care that the dom gives. It makes me feel special, it makes me feel pretty, wanted, desired, cared for. I miss that.
Additionally I have been in a funk the last 2 or 3 days; it sucks. I hate it. I am really down on myself. It is a fairly common occurrance during the very end of the winter. The Blues hit me fairly hard. With all of the life changes that have happened this past year (since this time last year really), it isn't surprising that I am having such a crisis right now emotionally. The usual train of thoughts that runs through my head during these times is: you are old, you are fat, ugly, stupid, uninteresting, too sensitive; name it, I feel that is true of me. Granted, I know this is just me being negative and hating on myself, but it is hard to get out of this loop.
So when I add the fact that Lee has not wanted to play dom/sub for a long time, and I am feeling bad about myself, basically I am sad. I feel lonely.
He is currently in the other room watching the Olympics and I am in bed typing on my laptop. This reminds me fearfully of past experiences.
I tried to talk to him earlier about my frustration in my job, but he seemed to be giving me only half an ear, so I stopped talking. I never know how to say LISTEN TO ME. It is hard for me to talk at all about my feelings, so it is important to really pay attention and stay engaged with me so I keep open and talk. I've explained this before; but maybe I didn't make it clear?
I am anxious that my neediness is going to destroy the relationship. I am anxious that we're not communicating clearly; that he isn't hearing me, that he doesn't get it.
I am sad, I am angry. I am frustrated. I feel lonely.

The Leash

When I wear the leash it is a huge turn on for me. My wish is that Master would treat me like the slut/bitch I am.
When I am on the leash (with choker or regular collar), it is usually by my request. I would like to have to lay on the floor unless invited up on the sofa; I would love Master to feed me by hand, stroke my hair, use my commands (down for head; present for doggy style position; stay; come); get permission to piss; to be under Master's full domination for anything/everything is my greatest turn on.
I basically want be treated like a pet, but I want to be able to talk!
This is a modified sort of pet play, since I have no interest in wearing a doggie face or a costume of any kind, just the collar and leash.
We do most of this already, but I'd love to push it just a bit further.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Master and I spent the Turkey Day together, alone. It is our first holiday together, and I decided that I wanted to cook a whole feast even if it was just us; so we spent the day together cooking (Master is a wonderful cook). When it was time to eat, he told me he was thankful for me, and that he loved me. Well, I am sure I blushed with pleasure, as it is my deepest need and desire to please him! I am truly thankful that Lee is in my life, as I have such trust and respect for him. We are so suited to each other that it seems bizarre to have spent years just being acquaintances and co-workers; barely even friends, since we both studiously avoided each other (we were both married at the time, and both of us monogamous).
At this time last year, we barely spoke to each other... and here we are together!
Now, last night, Master had me on the leash and collar, and I was laying on the floor near him; he was laying on the couch. At bed time, he told me to go get his shower ready as it was time for me to bathe him. I love to soap up Master, since I get to touch him all over his body and wash his hair; Master usually takes this opportunity to play with my nipples or put his fingers into any orifice he chooses!
After shower time, it was time for bed, and Master chose to tie me up. I had my arms tied behind my back, and legs spread open. I was face down. Master used the crop, whip, and bare hand on my ass. I squirmed and begged to be allowed to come, but he wouldn't let me until so much later.
He used clothespins on my cunt, which felt so good, although it did pinch a bit when he pulled them off! He roughly fingered in both my cunt and my ass, and when I did finally get to come I saw stars, and felt blissful... then it was his turn to finish, and he did. In my ass. Hard fucking in my ass, and it hurt so good... I was making sounds I couldn't help, and came again when I felt him bury his cock and his load spill.
Afterwards, I was untied, and massaged (my arms cramped up a bit in the position I was tied in), Master kissed me gently and tucked me in. I love to be Master's fucktoy.
I truly had a Happy Thanksgiving!

Fuck Fest

This past weekend was a 36 hour fuck fest! For the first time in a while neither of us had pressing business to deal with, and so we stayed home and fucked. A lot. We have been discussing (see earlier post) all of our different turn ons, things we would like to explore, and hard limits.
Master suckled my breasts for a long while (since I expressed my deep interest in breast play and ANR), and I was held on a leash the whole night, which I truly love; but I am ahead of myself!
I purchased a leash (a regular, nylon lead for a puppy), and brought it home to him. He was very interested in putting it on me, and I was HOT just thinking about it! I was on the leash for the night... and he is teaching me some commands. I have "down", which means to suck his cock; "Stay", which is to stay put, and not move; and my favorite, "Present", which is on my hands and knees, and present my ass/cunt for Master's enjoyment. When I get too turned on, and he wants to slow down, "settle" is the command. He held the leash in his hand for the evening, most of which involved watching a bit of TV, surfing the interwebs for kinky photos/videos, and some touching... but nothing too over the top. I had to pee, and Master took me to the bathroom and watched while I pissed; this turned me on so much and I suppose it is because it is so weird to have someone watch while I pee, but also on the leash!
Since I am interested in ANR, he allowed me to indulge myself, and he suckled on them while I held his cock. This is a huge turn on for me... and when he gave the command to "present", I was more than ready!
That evening, I got to sleep with his cock in my mouth for the first time, and since then, it has become a nightly ritual for us. It is very relaxing for the both of us (after he's had an orgasm of course!), and I can't think of a better way to be physically close to him. Additionally, if Master is willing, I hope he sucks my tits every night, as it feels wonderful for me!

The Submissive's Prayer

Master found this on the interwebs... made it our desktop image, and I love it. This says it all.

Cock Dreams

Last night was amazing! Lee and I spent the evening talking kink...
Now, just for clarification, both us are are somewhat new to this kind of a relationship, so it was good to just talk about what we are interested in. It was illuminating to hear what Lee would be into doing and I know he liked hearing what I would be up for! Our mutual list, and this is sure to grow in the future (this list included stuff we have already done). Here goes: restraints, anal, nipple/clit clamps, electrical play, caging, chastity belt, OTK, corner time, leash/collar play, exploring more deeply the Master/slave relationship, watersports (we both have some pretty strict boundaries around this), cock worship, fetish clothing, dungeon play (inflicting pain while in bondage), him withholding orgasms from me as punishment and play. WHEE!
Needless to say, after all this talk, we were both pretty horned up, and the sex was wonderful; but what happened after was best of all.
I love to suck cock, always have, and I have harbored a fantasy about just sleeping with it in my mouth. I alluded to it in a previous post.
Well last night I GOT TO DO IT! Yay! Lee fell asleep as I gently held his cock in my mouth after sex. It was very relaxing for me too, as I needed to lay still, and relax my jaw. I dozed off, with the head of his shaft resting between my lips, and he was sound asleep. When I woke up, I wiggled up to my sleeping place beside him. It was truly delicious and wonderful! I hope he decides to make it a regular ritual!

Yesterday

Well, things have been very sexual around here. My libido is kinda amped up, which I don't think Lee minds very much!
Yesterday, I wore a cute schoolgirl plaid skirt. I had no underwear on... and it is a wrap around skirt, so you can kinda get the idea Lee had on the way home from our meeting. I was very turned on by his touch, and started to feel him up. He had a raging hard on (which makes me smile!) and so I started to give him a BJ in the car just before we pulled into our driveway.
He told me to go lay down in our room, which I did, and he used one of my toys on me... very fiendish, since he did make me come, but he didn't fuck me... that's mean, since I love his cock in me.
I was allowed to finish his blow job, and got a mouthful of his warm come.
The thing is, I love to touch him. His cock is beautiful, and I love to suck it, and hold it in my mouth. Touching it, holding it, I wish I could sleep with it in my mouth... I'd be afraid to hurt him though!
I want him constantly.