From LDD:
"Being submissive does not mean behaving like a doormat. Women who believe this are usually the ones who will be the first to deny that they are in any way submissive. This is because they misunderstand what submissiveness is all about. Being submissive does not mean losing your personality and becoming a doormat with no opinions, no ideas and no zest for life. Submission is not about that. Submission is about getting in touch with the deepest parts of your femininity, parts that many women deny or repress."
Well, precisely, and I would add that all that energy I was using to repress the need for submission made me really fucking angry. I was behaving like a zombie the last 2 years of my marriage (and sporadically throughout, of course); I lost my passion and drive, and I felt so stuck. My ex was terrified of losing me; therefore, he walked on eggshells around me, and gave me a No Limits or Consequences for any behavior during the marriage. He was, however, incredibly passive-aggressive, so while I was never confronted face to face with anything, his anger seeped out in very subtle, controlling, manipulative ways. This is the antithesis of a Dominant Man. Eventually I lost respect for him... a leading cause for the demise of any relationship.
One of the things I thought about this week was how completely different this relationship is with Lee. Lee is not afraid of me, or of my anger. He will allow the bratty behavior for as long as he wants to, but I know there is a limit. He is not manipulative, he is very blunt, and I never have to guess where I stand. This is so freeing. I can be truthful, open, and accepting of Lee.
I am so glad Lee accepts the submissive side of my personality. It can be scary to show that side of me to anyone; moreover, I spent years trying to hide that from myself!
On another note, Lee's schedule has been hectic, so I don't feel like I've seen him very much... and that means no fucking. Meh.
