I can't remember the last time I got to wear either the collar or the leash. I don't know why Lee hasn't wanted to play in so long. It's not that we haven't been having sex, we most certainly have, lots; almost every day. The sex is great, and I love being with him, but am wondering what happened.
I am by nature pretty insecure. I will admit to that readily. One of the reasons I like being in a dom/sub relationship is the extra attention and care that the dom gives. It makes me feel special, it makes me feel pretty, wanted, desired, cared for. I miss that.
Additionally I have been in a funk the last 2 or 3 days; it sucks. I hate it. I am really down on myself. It is a fairly common occurrance during the very end of the winter. The Blues hit me fairly hard. With all of the life changes that have happened this past year (since this time last year really), it isn't surprising that I am having such a crisis right now emotionally. The usual train of thoughts that runs through my head during these times is: you are old, you are fat, ugly, stupid, uninteresting, too sensitive; name it, I feel that is true of me. Granted, I know this is just me being negative and hating on myself, but it is hard to get out of this loop.
So when I add the fact that Lee has not wanted to play dom/sub for a long time, and I am feeling bad about myself, basically I am sad. I feel lonely.
He is currently in the other room watching the Olympics and I am in bed typing on my laptop. This reminds me fearfully of past experiences.
I tried to talk to him earlier about my frustration in my job, but he seemed to be giving me only half an ear, so I stopped talking. I never know how to say LISTEN TO ME. It is hard for me to talk at all about my feelings, so it is important to really pay attention and stay engaged with me so I keep open and talk. I've explained this before; but maybe I didn't make it clear?
I am anxious that my neediness is going to destroy the relationship. I am anxious that we're not communicating clearly; that he isn't hearing me, that he doesn't get it.
I am sad, I am angry. I am frustrated. I feel lonely.
