Submission is Not Repression

From LDD:

"Being submissive does not mean behaving like a doormat. Women who believe this are usually the ones who will be the first to deny that they are in any way submissive. This is because they misunderstand what submissiveness is all about. Being submissive does not mean losing your personality and becoming a doormat with no opinions, no ideas and no zest for life. Submission is not about that. Submission is about getting in touch with the deepest parts of your femininity, parts that many women deny or repress."

Well, precisely, and I would add that all that energy I was using to repress the need for submission made me really fucking angry. I was behaving like a zombie the last 2 years of my marriage (and sporadically throughout, of course); I lost my passion and drive, and I felt so stuck. My ex was terrified of losing me; therefore, he walked on eggshells around me, and gave me a No Limits or Consequences for any behavior during the marriage. He was, however, incredibly passive-aggressive, so while I was never confronted face to face with anything, his anger seeped out in very subtle, controlling, manipulative ways. This is the antithesis of a Dominant Man. Eventually I lost respect for him... a leading cause for the demise of any relationship.
One of the things I thought about this week was how completely different this relationship is with Lee. Lee is not afraid of me, or of my anger. He will allow the bratty behavior for as long as he wants to, but I know there is a limit. He is not manipulative, he is very blunt, and I never have to guess where I stand. This is so freeing. I can be truthful, open, and accepting of Lee.
I am so glad Lee accepts the submissive side of my personality. It can be scary to show that side of me to anyone; moreover, I spent years trying to hide that from myself!
On another note, Lee's schedule has been hectic, so I don't feel like I've seen him very much... and that means no fucking. Meh.

Domestic Discipline

From LDD Blog:
"So discipline might occur every day, or every week, or every month, depending on what the couple agree is necessary or depending on what the Man decides is necessary for the woman."


Ok, so I realize this might sound absolutely horrendous to some of you reading, but this turns me on. Go figure. Yeah, I think I need to get spanked on a regular basis, just to remind me who is in charge of this Home. Do I feel like I am "less" of a partner in this relationship? NO! Emphatically NO. I realize I can be mouthy, bratty, and a handful at times. I doubt any amount of spanking would break me completely of these habits, as I don't want to be... but every now and again I do need some strict discipline.
The other night, I think it was last week... I didn't wear panties, even though I was wearing a skirt. I was on my way to work, and left my clean panties on the bathroom counter where I knew Lee would find them. When I left, I gave Lee a kiss and whispered that I wasn't wearing underwear. I thought he might not like it, but then maybe he wouldn't care so much.
When I got home everything was okay, until later. I came out of the shower, and Lee was sitting in bed reading. I was asked why I didn't wear underwear (to which I had no real good answer, except to be a Brat)...
I was promptly taken over the knee and spanked hard on my bare ass with his hand. Lee is quite firm, as his hands are big and heavy. After my spanking, I was told to stand in the corner. My ass was sore and red, and I felt ashamed of myself for my behavior. He sat on the bed and read some more of his book, then got up for some water. I didn't even think to get out of the corner!
When he got back he told me why he spanked me (no panties is kinda slutty), and then we fucked.
Now, I was WAAAY turned on by 1. He cared that I had no underwear on because I was His. 2. Being tossed over his knee, naked, and getting spanked left me very wet. **sigh** 3. Standing in the corner, and the shame I felt was a huge turn on too. The fucking that went on after was just the icing on a delicious cake!
I am no longer thinking about Why this turns me on or Why this is so gratifying sexually and emotionally, I just know that it Is.
Thank you Lee for caring enough to Take Me In Hand.

Journal # 4

Dated 10/24/09 5:03pm

Today I went out while you were working. I thought of you all day. I saw the cutest little velvet collar, and even though we had briefly mentioned the possibility of me wearing one, I wasn't sure if I should buy it because I didn't know how you'd feel about it ultimately. I did buy it, and I brought it home to let you decide whether or not to put it on me. It was kind of scary to show it to you as I was really wanting to wear it; I wanted you to put it on me. When you seemed genuinely delighted by it I felt overwhelmed by my feelings of gratitude. When you put it on my neck I could have come with the gentlest touch through my panties. I came so hard this afternoon and a big part of it was knowing that it turned you on equally to put the collar on me.

Journal # 3

Dated 10/23/09 8:53am

Today I AM wearing panties because of the spanking and corner time I got last night; but also because you have left so many loads of your cum, my cunt is creamy!

Journal # 2

Dated 10/22/09 5:33pm

I am NOT wearing panties. I am naked under these pants and what are you going to do about that? I know I am being bratty but I love the discipline.
Fantasy or Reality?
Stripped, spanked, made to sit in the corner until you feel it's enough. Of course you are fully dressed while you spank me over your knee. Then fuck me. Fuck me how ever you want. Tell me what you want me to do, for I am pliant and willing. I love you.

From the Journal

I was originally going to keep this as a journal, but truth be told, I prefer the computer. I can type much faster than write, so go figure... anyway the next series of posts are from the handwritten journal.

Dated 10/22/09 9:19am
I love knowing you want me enough to just fuck me. "Roll over", "Go to the bedroom", makes me very hot. Last night's ass fucking was delicious and I thank you.

Hi!

Just an introduction... I live in California with Lee, my BF, which sounds ridiculous since we are far from being in high school. Lee and I love, live, and work together. This is not too much time together; I would spend more time with him if I could! I am very happy being the submissive in our relationship.
I have always battled with my need to be dominated. At the time I came into my adulthood, women were being told that they should go to college, get a career, and get out into the workforce. Women were expected to be in control of themselves and their careers. Men were your equal, and in NO way should you ever even think of letting yourself be controlled or dominated by any man for ANY reason.
I grew up in a very normal, nuclear family, with a father who worked and a mother who stayed home. My mother's frustration with her life (she wanted a career and family, my father was not supportive of her need to work outside the home)imprinted itself on me. I was confused by the notion that my need to be submissive meant there was something wrong with me.
What I was not supposed to want was a relationship in which the man in my life was the dominant partner in the relationship. I was not supposed to need to be punished for my bratty behavior and flirtatiousness. It was wrong to want to be treated like a princess, and being tossed over a knee and spanked was inconceiveable.
Yes, I am independent and intelligent. At work I have many responsibilites and am perceived as being opinionated, outgoing, and cunty at times. I have no problem speaking up for myself, or stating my position on any topic. I don't like to have to answer to people when I know I am right. I can be stubborn and rude.
However, I still need for Lee to assert his Dominance over me... sexually, physically and emotionally. More on this later...
I don't see why I can't be both, and it has taken me a long time to figure this out!